Do you ever wonder what conversation really transpired to send Napoleon Bonaparte to want to be a dictator? Have you ever heard someone in a higher position spew out absolute nonsense in bureaucratic red tape form? You know those moments. The one where your internal voice wants to call out, “Oh just cut the crap and get it done already!” I started thinking it was something along those lines that inspired Napoleon to say “Screw it, I’ll do it myself. You people suck.” So, I thought of a possible scenario that could’ve gone down at 18 Brumaire:
Napoleon scribbled notes in his pad:
Oh merde! More pointless meetings going nowhere, strife with endless nonsensical terminology. No wonder this country is going to the dogs. Just a lot of hot air to spread around. You’d think the government was just coming up with things to say to the people, talking things to death. Screw this action!
While he scribbled in his book, Napoleon heard one of the Directory members, Abbé, say: “Ok. This Council of 500 obviously isn’t working so great. I say we cut down to 300 instead and change the remaining 200 as sub-Council instead. This way, we still have a lot of voices and …”
Napoleon: “Silence! Abbé, really. I mean really? Seriously? Do you listen to the crap that comes out of your mouth? Am I the only one here that makes any sense whatsoever? Gaaad! Have you people ever heard of the phrase too many cooks in the kitchen?”
Abbé: “What are you talking about, Napoleon? Too many cooks? What does that have to do with politics?”
Napoleon started to lose his patience, clenched one fist and shook it at Abbé: “Oh come on! Too many cooks in the kitchen? Hello?!! It ruins the broth because there’s too much interfering, red tape, and nonsense … and not enough cooking … just like this ridiculous Council of 500!”
Abbé: “I’m sorry? You’re losing me, Napoleon. Did someone ruin the onion soup? Do you mean we need more cooks to serve the Council?”
Napoleon: “Are you even listening? What are you talking about?”
Abbé: “What am I talking about? What are you talking about the cooks?”
Napoleon: “No. We don’t need more cooks. That’s the point. We have too many cooks and they’re all in this room!”
Abbé: “Napoleon. We don’t have any cooks in the room. We have the Council and Directory people in the room. What cooks are you talking about? Are you feeling alright, Napoleon?”
The Council booed Napoleon for calling them cooks. Napoleon grabbed his head, pulled out some hair, and shook his clenched fists at Abbé and the other Council members. Before Napoleon could reach over to deck Abbé, one of the Council members suggested that Napoleon go outside to catch his breath.
Once outside, his friends Jean-Jacques and Charles asked Napoleon why he’s so red in the face. Once he caught his breath and regained his composure, Napoleon stopped for a minute, turned around, and pointed his finger at his companions.
Napoleon: “I’m going to do something about this mess. Who’s with me? Jean-Jacques? Charles? What do you say? No big meetings, just getting shit done!”
Later that day, while the group of government members sat around convincing themselves that Napoleon was also full of hot air and discussing the ranting and raving, they were caught off guard when Napoleon returned. Napoleon and his troops kicked out the Council and the other government members, creating their own smaller more effective and efficient government.
Soon, things actually started to get done. Perhaps not everything was perfect, but things were getting done. The people were fairly satisfied and felt improvement from before. Well, at least for a few years.
Unfortunately, some time later, some royal members in England and royal members of other European countries caught wind of Napoleon’s new rules about making legislation accessible to the people in a way they could understand, allowing freedom of religion, and worst of all -- to their royal ears – give government jobs to qualified people instead of inheriting them. They each said in their native tongues, “What do you mean he’s getting things done? What do you mean government jobs should be something qualified? That’s just preposterous! Somebody needs to stop him.” For a while, Napoleon’s forces were winning over the battles. Unfortunately for Napoleon, the winning streak took a turn against him and he ended up losing battles to Russia and England, ending his rule over France.
The good thing is that some years later again, some people in England’s government and some other places realized that “hey, maybe some of those ideas that Napoleon guy had were ok after all.” So, even though the royals got to keep their positions in some places, they realized that the freedom of religion thing was a good thing and, hey, maybe it was a good idea that citizens understand the main laws of the land. As far as the qualified government members, well, after some not-so-bright wealthy people came around, they realized where Napoleon might have been coming from after all. … And so it goes.
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