Confused Carnivore? Not Really

It was recently noted that red pandas are listed on something called a “confused carnivore” list among some other mammals.

Recent information about red pandas suggests that they are more closely related to the dog family than previously thought. So this little critter (slightly bigger than a house cat) enjoys chomping on bamboo bits, but also consumes eggs, birds, insects, and small mammals (as in rodents). Why do scientists find that confusing? Who decided it was confused? To get some answers on what the red panda thinks about being on the confused carnivore list, we spoke to a red panda through an interpreter at a conservation park in Nepal. The panda chose to remain anonymous for the interview, so for simplicity sake, the panda will only be identified as “RP”.

RP finally joined the interpreter and myself at a private setting in one of Nepal’s protected conservation parks. (I thought they’d never show up.) After we got comfortable, the interview began:

Interviewer: Thanks for joining us here today. I’m glad you could make it.

RP: No problem. I didn’t have any big plans today. Then again, I don’t usually have huge plans with the exception of finding decent bamboo to chew on. You know, it’s hard to find the good quality stuff these days.

Interviewer: Is that so? Why do you say it’s hard to find good bamboo these days?

RP sat back on his branch set up for him, and scratched his belly momentarily.

RP: Well, it seems that areas I used to be able to get bamboo is now restricted for other purposes.

Interviewer: Really? How so? What kind of purposes?

RP, sat up and inspected me closely, paused, and then reclined back on his branch.

RP: How so? How so? How am I supposed to know? I live on a bloody conservation park. It’s not like I follow the bamboo thief to see what they’re doing with it. I just know they’re taking it from me.

Interviewer: Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I didn’t realize it was such a sore topic.

RP: Yeah, well it is. I mean how would you feel if you’re sitting there one day chewing on whatever it is you eat, like you’re really enjoying it, and then someone snatches it from your hand and then tells you, “sorry, that ain’t for you anymore. You can have this stuff instead.” Except when you look at the new stuff they’re leaving for you, it’s real crap-like and you know it’s going to be a long time between now and when you can get that same sense of satisfaction again.

Interviewer: You have a point. Anyway, I have recently read something from scientists that have put red pandas on a confused carnivore list. How do you feel about this?

RP: How do I feel about it? Well, I’ll tell you how I feel about it. I think those scientists need to get sorted. I mean I’m not confused at all. What makes them think I’m confused? Do I seem confused to you? Er, don’t answer that. It was a hypothetical question. What I’m saying is that I’m happy with who and what I am. I have no confusion about that. What I do have trouble understanding is why scientists don’t understand that. I mean they’re always coming in here watching my every move, making me feel uncomfortable. Sometimes I give ‘em dirty looks, but then sometimes they might bring me some goods you know and then it lightens the mood.

Interviewer: Goods? What sort of goods?

RP: Nothing illegal if you’re trying to twist what I’m saying. Just good old-fashioned quality bamboo. Sometimes they bring insects. You know, pandas can’t survive on bamboo alone – even if it is good quality.

Interviewer: Understood. Well it sounds like you’re quite satisfied with what you have here. I’d like to thank you for your time and interesting insight today RP.

I passed RP a few bamboo shoots as a thank you. He stared at it with his dark eyes for a moment before snatching it out of my hands. Just like that, he got off his branch and waddled back out into the conservation park.

In other related news, rare giant otters in the UK found a "love match". Upon a brief discussion with the two, it turns out that the otter conservation people weren't the only relieved ones about the match. The two otters were also relieved that they were not stuck with complete losers and that the right chemistry happened almost right off the bat with the pair.