Viewers of The Bachelorette all got a good glimpse of Jake from the last season where the Bachelorette, Jillian, decided that she didn’t feel enough for Jake to keep him around for the final rose. Oddly enough, in a previous season of The Bachelor, Jillian got dumped by skanky Jason (who was supposed to be such a good guy, but actually wasn’t so much) didn’t think that there was enough chemistry with Jillian. Still with me? So, here we are: One man (Jake) and 25 women desperately pleading to be his numero uno. Let’s see if Jake remains the good guy or if he has a dark side after all.
Even though the first episode has a whole lot of women to scan through, you can often get an idea of who will be the old dragon, the idiot princess, and the flat out bee-yatch. The flat out bee-yatch is usually the one who in a confessional and quite often in front of others will say they are not there to make friends.
Dragon lady: Ella. She’s supposedly only 29, but looks really good for a 39-year old. She stole her son’s lucky plane to give it to Jake. Really? You took your kid’s toy to give to a man you don’t know? Wow. Nice move lady. I’m sure your kid appreciated it.
Idiot princess: Vienna. 23. She speaks like she’s 17, but looks 30. Like, oh mah gad! It might be cute for about 5 minutes, but it’s really dizzying to listen to her. Someone just needs to put their index finger to her mouth and shake their head as if to say “don’t talk.”
Flat out bee-yatch: Christina. 25. Flat out admits that she’s a bee-Yatch. The girl brought jellybeans to the party and told the ladies that they can have a pack when they head out the door within a matter of seconds after entering the party. Whewee! There’s a way to get people’s backs up. I'm tempted to refer to her as the jellybean bee-yatch.
Last, but not least, there is always at least one supremely over the top borderline stalker-type that really has convinced herself that the Bachelor is hers and hers alone until she has the cruel realization that other women are also vying for his affection. The award for gaining that spot upfront is Crying-Stalker-type Michelle. The girl talks like a stalker – she’s pretty and all, but who said stalkers can’t be pretty? Yet, somehow stalker Michelle got a rose over some of the other women. How did that happen? Pretty sure it’s the power of the producers telling him to keep her around for a while. I sense this girl will be crying in pretty much every episode until she goes home.
The thing with a lot of these ladies is that the screen identifies a lot of them as 25. If they really are 25, oh damn! I’ve never seen so many old looking 25-year-olds in one place like that. What are these ladies doing to look so old at their supposed twenty-five-year-old selves? It’s incredible. It’d be better if they just said they were 35.
One comment I heard that kills me is: “I’m 25 and I’m ready to be a wife.” Really? Wouldn’t you be ready if you, oh I don’t know, maybe knew someone first? Uhm, maybe even be in a committed relationship first? And just maybe oh, perhaps, be in love with that someone? Call me crazy. It’s not a job application people. Then again, if these ladies didn’t think like that, we wouldn’t get to watch their delusional dramatic selves on The Bachelor. Cruel, but it’s entertainment.
(I don’t recall if that particular person was one of 10 ladies who didn’t get a rose from the first night, but they might as well all have said it.)
Things to look out for this season:
· How many episodes will Michelle cry through before she leaves?
· How many people will Christina piss off before Jake catches on? (The guy is usually the slow to figure it out)
· How long will dragon lady last before she breathes fire on Christina? (I sense a catfight of sorts happening there)
· How long will it take for Jake to realize the idiot princess really is that shallow?
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